The Last Post

I'm not entirely sure what conclusions to draw from these pictures. I could say:

• Life is fickle record any memories worth saving cause if anything happens to you or your brain the people around you will lack your perspective on life
• Some parts of my life are lost somewhere they are locked up in unreachable parts of my Mom's brain so I'll never know for sure which birthday or Christmas concert is pictured
• Memory is a funny thing, sometimes it is vivid and you can taste, smell and feel the experience other times it leaves you drawing a blank no matter how hard you try.

I must conclude that this was an interesting and challenging experiment. It was intriguing to see what kind of memories some of those pictures stirred up. It was a success because it allowed me to explore and try and rewrite my history from random clues within each picture by probing my memory to see if somehow subconsciously I knew something more.

I will leave you with a picture symbolic of the journey. We all have our past and our past is a part of us but our past does not define us. We are defined by how we choose to act in light of our past. I choose to take what I can from my spotty history to treasure the good memories and learn from the harsh realities. I choose to keep traveling down the path God puts before me and to embrace the present as it comes. I will attempt to record my memories for those who come after me that they may learn from my mistakes and share in my adventures.

Thank you for journeying with me through this shoebox

Picture#12 October 9, 2004

Once again we find ourselves in the Arborg hospital. My Mom is again the one lying in the bed. The first time was we were celebrating my brother's new life. This time it was a prayer filled vigil. This picture was taken on my fifteenth birthday.

My Mom lay inert. Her eyes would open and I did passive physio on her every day after school, but she, herself, could not move. She had a tube in her trachea and a ventilator pushed air in and out of her lungs. Tubes carried liquids in and out of her body through many different portals. Monitors beeped and whistled. Sometimes they would shriek and nurses would come running. My Mom's condition was fairly stable but she was a vegetable.

Occasionally she would try and mouth something, but because of the tube in her trachea she had no voice so we really didn't know what she was saying. The doctors felt like it would be alright to try and take the trachea out. So first they had to do a day of 24hrs off the ventilator, but because our hospital is so small one of her family members needed to stay with her. I stayed with my Mom. I talked, I sang, I tried to do homework, I carefully monitored her breathing. After that 24hr period she passed the test, and so they took out the trachea. For the first time in 3months she had a voice.

The voice that spoke from my Mom's body was not her own. The things she said made no sense at all. That first day she was worried about packing up our cabin-we don't have a cabin, then she kept asking where her baby was-my brother was 10. She was confused and did not recognize anyone except for her Mom, and she only recognized her sometimes. My Mom was lost.

Picture#11 '03

It is summer, we are in Creighton, SK, visiting my cousins and Grandma. Someone probably Auntie Sandy said, "Hey, we should get a picture with Grandma and all the grandkids!" so we piled onto the couch and took a picture. What I really like about this picture is that it captures the special relationship that Grandma and I had.

When I was little I was very close to my Grandma. I followed her everywhere, and tried to do everything she did. However, she always loved my sweet and gentle little sister and would favour her whenever she'd bring new fabric over to sew us some new clothes. I just wanted be loved by her. We got a long quite well until my Mom got sick. Once my Mom got sick my Grandma was unable to see the hurt and the need of her daughter's family but only her sick daughter. She unwittingly hurt my Dad, and I very badly by judging us and saying we were not doing enough for Mom even though both of us had sacrificed pretty much everything in order to take care of Mom. Last year I wrote my Grandma a letter explaining the pain she had caused and ever since things have been on much better terms.

Picture#10 '02

I am cutting my Dad's hair. I think this was the first time that I cut my Dad and brother's hair. We had just bought clippers. I'm not even sure what prompted the decision but ever since I've been cutting their hair. I remember being so nervous. I carefully studied the instructions sheet and diagrams that came with the clippers and then I started cutting. I remember my Mom hovering over me being concerned that I not make Dad bald and helping me figure out how to cut around the ears.

Over the years as I have cut my Dad's hair I have noticed it thinning and greying. The year my Mom got sick my dad's hair went from pepper with a little bit of salt, to salt with a little pepper.

Picture#9

The wonderful outfits in this picture were definitely orchestrated by me. I would often come up with elaborate make believe games for my siblings and I to play. In this one my brother and sister are wearing the dresses my sister and I wore as flower girls in my aunt and uncles wedding and I'm wearing my mom's old dress. I'm the bride in a lovely forest green dress. When I was younger I always dreamed of getting married and being a bride. My sister and I took turns being the bride, but my brother made the cutest flower girl. We would often dress up and play wedding or photo shoot.

After we got dressed-up we would go to the store, where our parents were working and show them our lovely outfits. I think Mom decided this one was memorable enough to photograph.

Picture#8

In this picture I'm sitting with Brownie, my dog and constant companion. Each day after school I would grab a freezie from the freezer and go for a run with Brownie as we ran we'd stop for freezie breaks. I would suck some of the juice from a piece, and break it off, then push it out for Brownie to eat from my hand. Brownie was such an important part of my life. He bled to death shortly after my Mom got sick.

I remember his last night trying to get some broth down his throat with a syringe. Lying with him on the garage floor and crying. Laying with my arms around him. It was the middle of winter and it was bitterly cold. I had laid out a rug for him, but even with the rug the cold from the cement penetrated my warm flesh with icicles. I lay with my arms around him and wept. For in his death I lost not only my dog but the keeper of my secrets, my shoulder to cry on after my Mom got sick and the only constant thing at my house.

When I see our old van in the background of this picture the first thing that comes to mind is the wheelchair ramps that we had when my Mom was in her wheelchair. We had to set them up, wheel Mom up into the van. Next we used the metal lock bar our neighbor had created and lock her wheelchair in place then take down the ramps and slide them into the van. Then we would be able to go wherever we where going.

Picture#7 June 2000

This picture is from one of my school picnics. At the end of the year my school would always have a whole school track and field day with teams, ribbons and awards. When I was younger, it was the highlight of my year. Each student would get a couple of dollars to spend at the canteen, and then you had to choose from the dazzling array of sweets, what you would spend your money on.

The day would start out with academic(above 95% average), Bible memory and character awards being handed out. Every year there I received academic and Bible memory awards. Your name would be called, and then your awards announced and you would run up the play structure. Shake Tim, the principal, and your teacher's hands and collect your certificates from your teacher. Then you slid down the slide.

I started going to Morweena school when my Mom became a teacher there. I was in grade three at the time. As her teacher's present that year my Mom got a chair and umbrella like the one pictured above.